Welcome to the Free-Collective.

No one here likes you.

We're going to offend, insult, abuse, and belittle the living hell out of
you. And when you rail against us with "F*CK YOU YOU GEEK WIMP SKATER GOTH
LOSER PUNK f*g pregnant dog!1!!", we smile to ourselves. We laugh at you because
you don't get it. Then we turn up the heat, hoping to draw more
entertainment from your irrational fuming.

We will judge you, and we will find you unworthy. It is a trial by fire, and
we won't even think about turning down the flames until you finally
understand.

Some of you are smart enough to realize that, when you go online, it's like
entering a foreign country ... and you know better than to ignorantly f*ck
with the locals. You take the time to listen and think before speaking. You
learn, and by learning are gladly welcomed.

For some of you, it takes a while, then one day it all dawns on you - you
get it, and are welcomed into the fold.

Some of you give up, and we breathe a sigh of relief - we didn't want you
here anyway. And some of you just never get it. The offensively clueless
have a special place in our hearts - as objects of ridicule. We don't like
you, but we do love you.

You will get mad. You will tell us to go to hell, and call us "nerds" and
"geeks". Don't bother ... we already know exactly what we are. And, much
like the way hardcore rap has co-opted the word "n*gger", turning an insult
around on itself to become a semiserious badge of honor, so have we done.

"How dare you! I used to beat the crap out of punks like you in high
school/college!" You may have owned the playing field because you were an
athlete. You may have owned the student council because you were more
popular. You may have owned the hallways and sidewalks because you were big
and intimidating. Well, welcome to our world.

Things like athleticism, popularity, and physical prowess mean nothing here.
We place no value on them ... or what car you drive, the size of your bank
account, what you do for a living or where you went to school.

Allow us to introduce you to the concept of a "meritocracy" - the closest
thing to a form of self-government we have. In The United Meritocratic
nation-states of the Internet, those who can do, rule. Those who wish to
rule, learn. Everyone else watches from the stands.

You may posses everything in the off-line world. We don't care. You come to
the Internet penniless, lacking the only thing of real value here:
knowledge.

"Who cares? The Internet isn't real anyway!" This attitude is universally
unacceptable. The Internet is real. Real people live behind those handles
and screen names. Real machines allow it to exist. It's real enough to
change government policy, real enough to feed the world's hungry, and even,
for some of us, real enough to earn us a paycheck. Using your own
definition, how "real" is your job? Your stock portfolio? Your political
party? What is the meaning of "real", anyway?

Do I sound arrogant? Sure ... to you. Because you probably don't get it yet.

If you insist on staying, then, at the very least, follow this advice:

1 - No one, ESPECIALLY YOU, will make any law respecting an establishment of
religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom
of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to
assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

2 - Use your brain before ever putting fingers to keys.

3 - Do you want a picture of you getting anally raped by Bill Clinton while
you're performing oral sex on a cow saved to hundreds of thousands of
people's hard drives? No? Then don't put your f*cking picture on the
Internet. We can, will, and probably already HAVE altered it in awful ways.
Expect it to show up on an equally offensive website.

4 - Realize that you are never, EVER going to get that, or any other,
offensive web page taken down. Those of us who run those sites LIVE to piss
off people like you. Those of us who don't run those sites sometimes visit
them just to read the hatemail from fools like you.

5 - Oh, you say you're going to a lawyer? Be prepared for us to giggle with
girlish delight, and for your lawyer to laugh in your face after he explains
current copyright and parody law.

6 - The Web is not the Internet. Stop referring to it that way.

7 - We have already received the e-mail you are about to forward to us. Shut
up.

8 - Don't reply to spam. You are not going to be "unsubscribed".

9 - Don't ever use the term "cyberspace" (only William Gibson gets to say
that, and even he hasn't really used it for two or three books now).
Likewise, you prove yourself a marketing-hype victim if you ever use the
term "surfing".

10 - With one or two notable exceptions, chat rooms will not get you laid.

11 - It's a hoax, not a virus warning.

12 - The internet is made up of thousands of computers, all connected but
owned by different people. Learn how to use *your* computer before
attempting to connect it to someone else's.

13 - The first person who offers to help you is really just trying to f*ck
with you for entertainment. So is the second. And the third. And me.

14 - Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you
have. You may as well paint a d**n target on your back.

15 - Never get comfortable and arrogant behind your supposed mask of
anonymity. Don't be surprised when your name, address, and home phone number
get thrown back in your smug face. Hell, some of us will snail-mail you a
printed satellite photograph of your house to drive the point home. Realize
that you are powerless if this happens ... it's all public information, and
information is our stock and trade.

16 - No one thinks you are as cool as you think you are.

17 - You aren't going to win any argument that you start.

18 - If you're on AOL, don't worry about anything I've said here. You're
already a f*cking laughing stock, and there's no hope for you.

19 - If you can't take a joke, immediately sell your computer to someone who
can. RIGHT NOW.

Pissed off? It's the TRUTH, not these words, that hurts your feelings. Don't
ever even pretend like I've gone & hurt them.

We don't like you. We don't want you here. We never will. Save us all the
trouble and go away.